This is a long blog entry, but no apologies for that!
Psalm 66:10-12 (New International Version)
you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
This passage came to me after a very difficult mothers day. Don't get me wrong. My family was loving and doted on me. They could not have made it more perfect for me. Internally, however... I was struggling. I have had many struggles and vices that I have overcome since letting Jesus carry those burdens. My mother was an alcoholic. We had a step father who did horrible things. From the age of 12, I took on the role of "raising" my sisters. It wasn't one that I knew I was taking on at the time, and I never knew the impact it would have on me or my sisters. Life was rough. My mother passed away at 45 from Cancer. I grieved like anyone would have. However, I found a crazy kind of joy in her passing. She had re-committed her life to Christ about two years prior to her death. She quit drinking and she became such a beautiful, spirit-filled woman. Despite all the difficult years, we were very close and I loved her deeply. That was 9 years ago. I do not hold her date of death in my mind, I don't take her birthday as a day to focus on her, and I have never been sad on a mothers day without her. I have always said, that I could not be happier that she is heaven with our God... and I truly feel that way.
So, why after nine years...do I wake up with a sense of pure anger at my mom???? All these memories I never knew I had, came rolling back with full force. It was quite a sensory overload. I was in church yesterday, and totally lost it. I finally just thought to myself and God (mind you this is in the middle of service) WHAT IS GOING ON, WHAT IS IT YOU ARE DOING, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!! I caps this because I was VERY upset and needed God to know it.
I have been beautifully refined by God in the process of all my childhood pains. But, He is striving for something more for me. I realized a few months ago, my pastor had a lesson in which we were to ask God to show us where we need growth, surrender and peace in. I couldn't for the life of me think of anything. Not saying I am perfect...but I was just is such a season of blessing, I couldn't think of anything that I was hurting about or think of anything that I needed to surrender. I prayed that God would reveal my heart to me. I never thought more about it. But God did. Months later, I realized that after nine years... I had never faced the anger that I had for all I went through at the hands of my mother. These pinned up feelings have dictated how I respond to other pains, problems and people. I also have felt responsible for everything that has happened in my sisters life...because I felt I was supposed to be there for them. I was carrying this huge burden..THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS CARRYING. I share this because even those people that you think "have it all figured out"... they don't. They have burdens to. Galations 6:2 says that we are too "share each others burdens". I am sharing mine, but more importantly... I am sharing my Deliverer with you.
I will leave you with this story:
Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures, and make them the subject of conversation. While reading the third chapter of Malachi they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse: "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." One lady's opinion was that is was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. Then she proposed to visit a silversmith and report to them what he said on the subject.
She went accordingly and without telling the object of her errand, begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her. "But Sir" she said, "do you sit while the work of refining is going on?" "Oh, yes, madam," replied the silversmith; "I must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."
The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." Christ sees it needful to put His children into a furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for them. Their trials do not come at random; "the very hairs of your head are all numbered."
As the lady was leaving the shop, the silversmith called her back, and said he had forgotten to mention that the only way that he knows when the process of purifying is complete when he sees his own image reflected in the silver....
--Author Unknown
